Welcome to Inner GPS Gurus.
Today’s question is from John.
Case Question: John
How to communicate with your wife?
What topics (if any) should you NOT discuss with your wife or significant other?
My name is John. I am from New York City, US. Sharing my struggles with my wife of 20 years ultimately comes back around to bite me, either by way of a change in her perception of me (pity, loss of confidence in me, loss of respect) or by way of ammunition to use against me in future disagreements.
I have adapted to skipping these types of conversations with her, but that is now having its own negative effects (she can see that I’m holding back, and it upsets her; communication, in general, has taken a hit).
Please help.
Answer
John, you need to check your communication with everyone, including your wife or partner.
First of all, she’s judgmental towards you.
If anyone is judgmental toward you, you try to hold it back, which is exactly what is happening with you.
You must have shared something about yourself that is very intimate, very close, or, I would say, confidential, private, or your inner emotions only with your wife, expecting that she will understand, keep it to herself, and not use it as a weapon or ammunition against you.
When you have arguments or fights, this is precisely what nice guys do in their communication.
You are expecting love from her, and when you are in a highly emotional or love state, you tend to communicate or share this thing with her.
Focus on Taking Action
First, you need to understand whatever you are carrying with you is not what she’s holding.
You want to feel lighter by sharing this with her and expecting understanding behavior from her.
She needs to be more mature to understand you, your struggles, or your issues.
She feels that you are weak, so if you have shared your struggles and your worst experiences with her, she’s using it as pity against you, or she is terming you as a weak person.
This is a cunning behavior from anyone, and let me tell you that she doesn’t understand you well in this case.
When you understand this, you’re trying to hold it back, keeping it to yourself. You’re saying that it is hurting the communication, and she’s upset.
You need to share this with your close people, expecting them to understand you.
You have done that, and you are seeing no improvement.
If you’re seeing no improvement.
- One thing is to be aware of it
- The second thing is to take action
I always tell in my guides that you should take action if something is not moving well.
If you want it to go the way you want it, you need to take action here.
You can take action by not sharing it with her.
She can be upset and fight with you because you are not sharing things with her.
She will fight once or twice.
Just tell her to be happy and show her your happiness and tell her that there’s nothing I’m hiding, and I don’t feel like sharing it with anyone. Go for a jog, join a gym, pump some iron.
There are various ways.
Writing Technique
You can start writing a diary. I’m against it because if you write in a diary, she might have access to it, and she will read it out, and again, the whole purpose of it will be to go for a toss.
So whenever you are alone, you have 10 to 15 minutes or half an hour to take a paper pen and start writing whatever you want to share with anyone, with her or anyone. Start writing and only stop when you feel that.
Whatever time you have to share is over.
Do that every day, twice a day, or thrice a day, whenever you want.
Keep a pen and paper with you so that you can start writing.
This is different from writing or texting on mobile; the pen-and-paper technique works really well.
In this case, all you need is a sharing and listening ear.
If one of your friends is really ready to listen to you, then share with him or her.
Your wife is not in a situation to understand what you’re going through or what you have gone through.
Instead of supporting you, building trust, or showing trust so that you would be encouraged to share more with her, you should feel safe sharing everything and anything with her.
She’s stopping your flow. Anyone who is blocking your flow is wrong for you.
Energy should flow with my students. I help them flow their energies.
I have healed people from their mental traumas, their physical issues, and issues like anxiety and depression for years.
I help them heal through my sessions since you are in the US, I’m not asking you to come and meet me, but please start doing these things daily.
- Start loving yourself
- Don’t expect love from her or anyone
- You have lots of love
- Start spreading it
- Start giving it to the correct recipient
- You need a flow of love not necessarily from the other person but from you to the other person
Start doing these things and stop sharing anything with her.
She should see your happy face always and see how things change for you in favor of you.
So enjoy life with or without a wife.
Okay, have a nice day!
